Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy. For the price of admission, you get a near-heart-attack , a nearly irresistable urge to kill me or help me maybe, and I won’t be suprised if you leave here with more than what you bargained for. Yippee! I guess you are not a priest but allow me to make a confession to you. I am feeling really jealous. Yes, I mean that seriously jealous. The kind of jealous that makes me hurt, the jealousy that brings tears to the surface of my eyes.
Sorry, it does’t rock, lol, it knocks me down instead!
I know this is a shocking confession, as jealousy is supposed to be an evil vice emanating from our hearts, tormenting our hearts and wringing our hearts out of all its life, all this should happen in the background, in the ignorance of a second party. And if there are second parties maybe God and the devil himself. It is supposed to be a monster to be hidden from others. But no, I can’t bottle it up any longer; its killing me slowly and effectively. It has been here for months and every other day it bears twins. You can guess the number of fathers, mothers, children, grandparents and grandchildren of this monster that comfortably reside in me. Don’t be afraid anyway, this is not contagious.And that’s why I let you in this formerly exclusive territory. Now look around.Sure, as you can see, I can get a little bit jealous. The good part about jealousy is that it comes from passion. It’s dangerous part is that it’s an ugly emotion that hurts.A double-edged sword.
I know you are wondering what I am jealous about. Its not because my parents are favouring my siblings, or that my boyfriend has got a side-chic, or because my classmates drive themselves to school each and every other day and I do not. None of these is the case. And this is not to say that such happenings cannot elicit jealousy in me, but this is not the kind of jealousy I am talking about.
I am passionately jealous because when I look around me people are living their lives, honestly. Living their dreams, with discipline. Living their fantasies, in reality. Living their hopes, with fulfillment. Every time she* publishes her blog posts, my heart writhes within, and the green monster inside me revs up its engines. I stare at the blank spaces in front of me and wonder whats holding me back. From what? Well, I feel as if my hands are tied, and my mouth gagged. And this monster inside of me is trying to stop my escape. What I know is that I have to leave this cage that has bound me, that I have to let this feeling, this pain, these tears be an inspiration rather than let them drag me down the road of no return. I guess Robert Frost foresaw my dilemma with his timeless quote,” Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.” I have the choice to bottle up my pain, bury my talents, forget my dreams, divorce my happiness, yet I still have a choice to embrace all these and extricate myself from the dark power of spite hovering inside of me. Yes, I know this is a road less traveled, but I have taken the first baby step, still in my skepticism, but I believe this is what is going to make all the difference. I can’t sit here in the Boulevard Of Broken Dreams pitying myself for eternity
As humans, we are afraid to confront our deepest fears , feelings and emotions. When we get hurt we pretend that our hearts are embalmed with pain-absorbers. When angry we cover the anger up with a few blankets but its eating us from within. Even when in love we fear to express it for the abhorrence of rejection. And tears too, we are ashamed of our tears. But as Charles Dickens put it in Great Expectations, “Heaven knows that we never need be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of the earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried than before; more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.”
And this holds true for me. I am better after sharing this, more aware of my invincibility and imperfection, more aware of my failings as a human. Its my hope that this journey will teach you not to be ashamed of your tears, your fears, your pain, your weaknesses, and also what moves your heart. I hope this helps you become fully human, your unapologetic self. Lets take the road less traveled together.